Surviving the Unbearable: The Resilience of a Father's Love

Have you ever wondered how the human heart manages to bear the unbearable? How it picks up the shattered pieces and eventually finds its way to healing? Our guest for today's episode, Roy Martin, opens up about a tragic event that forever changed his life - the loss of his beloved daughter, Tawny, to a drunk driver. Join us as Roy paints a vivid image of Tawny's life, her vivacious spirit, and the sobering reality of her sudden demise. This heartrending narration not only brings to light the devastating aftermath of drunk driving, but also underscores the priceless value of each moment spent with loved ones.

As we continue our discussion, we shift our focus towards the labyrinth of grief and the process of recovery. We delve into the heartache, guilt, and regret that ensued in the wake of Tawny's demise, and the impact it had on Roy's family, particularly his son, Noah. Amidst deep sorrow, however, blooms a ray of hope. Roy shares how, with time, they found a way to remember Tawny without being submerged in grief. This conversation sheds light on the unique ways people deal with loss and offers valuable insights into navigating your own path to healing. This episode is a testament to the resilience of the human spirit and the power of love that persists, even in the face of overwhelming sorrow.

Transcript

Roy Martin: 0:00

In the darkness of the night, there will be another day I promise you, it's gonna be better. I wish I could have also told myself, I promise you, there will come a day when you think about Tawny and you don't morph into grief.

Michael Liben: 0:22

Welcome to the Eighth Season of "Bereaved But Still Me". Our purpose is to empower members of our community. I am Michael Liben and the father of three children- Idan, Sapir, and Liel. Liel, my youngest daughter, was born with a heart defect and later she developed autism and epilepsy. Losing her at 15 is what has brought me here to be the host of this program. Here with us today is our guest, Roy Martin. Roy lost his daughter Tawny to a drunk driver a month after she turned 19. The driver who took Tawny's life was 17 and he had been drinking and was heading north on a southbound highway. How does a father navigate the grief of losing his daughter to a drunk driver? Roy, thank you for joining us"Bereaved But Still Me".

Roy Martin: 1:03

Michael, good to be here. Thanks for having me.

Michael Liben: 1:06

Tell us a little bit about Tawny.

Roy Martin: 1:09

So every parent, especially every father of a daughter is going to be biased. Tawny really was one of those childs, and there are a number of them out there, that everybody who knew them, everybody who knows, them will say they were the ones most likely to succeed. They were the ones that really were kind of unique and special. Tawny was that way. She was a horse whisperer kind of person. She was an amazing equestrian. Amazing at sports in - she varsitied every, every sport. She immediately went to varsity team, and she graduated high school second in her class. So she was one of those that seem to have everything going for. And I remember when a few weeks after she died, one of her friends was speaking with us. And he was angry. And I said,"Well, why are you so upset?" And he said, "Well, because it's not fair". No, it's not. He said, "No, you don't understand. She was amazing. She was gonna bring so much to the world. She had so many gifts". Now again, I'm a biased father. But there are those individuals out there that are like that. So she was attractive, she was talented, everything going for her. Had just started college, was accepted into the University of her choice. And then literally in an instant she was taken away from us. And that's where we're at today.

Michael Liben: 2:36

We learned in the introduction that she passed away from a car accident. Can you tell us about that specifically?

Roy Martin: 2:42

Let's start back before the accident. The day that Tawny died was just a normal weekend day like it was for the drunk driver who killed her. It started out as a normal day. That particular day, Tawny was with another friend at his grandparents' house and they were hanging out. The day wore on, turned into evening. And Tawny and her friend Lee decided to go visit a third friend. And so they got on the highway in separate vehicles. Unknown to them, the young man who was the drunk driver was also having a normal day, but his day ended up with him being in a party, and everybody was drinking there was lots of alcohol. The Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission later investigated and everybody at that party said everybody brought alcohol, everybody was drinking, and he, the drunk driver, was stumbling drunk when he left the room. So Tawny and her friend Lee were on the highway, separate vehicles, going south on the southbound lane of the interstate. And there was a cattle hauler, a long 18 wheeler, that Lee passed, went in front of, Tawny was behind Lee, so she got into the left lane and started passing the cattle hauler also. As they crested the hill, Lee saw headlights coming straight at him. And at that point, you don't think you just react and so without thinking, Lee slammed his wheel to the right just barely cleared the front of the 18 wheeler as these headlights were coming straight at him and instantly, he said later, he thought of Tawny and all of them doing 70 miles an hour going south. While this turned out to be a pickup truck doing more than 70 miles an hour coming straight at Tawny there was nowhere for Tawny to turn. There was an 18 Wheeler in the right hand lane on the left hand lane there was a concrete barrier. So she crested the hill, looked into the headlights in front of her, coming straight at her and the two slammed into each other. Because there were no skid marks the police could not judge the speed of the drunk driver. It also meant he was not applying brakes or anything. He hit her at full speed. She had no time to react. Lee watched all of this unfold in his rearview mirror, understand this amazing young lady that everybody loved, that he had just been dancing with. Actually on his grandparents front yard, they were out there dancing before they left the house, and he saw this unfold. The truck that ran into Tawny used her small Corolla as a ramp basically, and climbed over her vehicle, flew, I don't know how many yards probably 10 -15 yards through the air. Tawny's car was crushed down. While that happened, Lee was watching all of this and the front slammed on his brakes at that point, jumped out of his vehicle, ran 100 yards back to where the two vehicles had ended up. The bystanders who were there had to pull Lee off her vehicle. The car was on fire, and they were afraid it was going to explode. He attempted to get the door opened. By that point, Tawny had already passed on. She died instantly. But Lee didn't know that. And so that is how the wreck occurred. For Lynne and me, my wife, that evening turned awful. At about 1230 midnight, both Tawny and the drunk driver had died. It was about 15 minutes after midnight. And we got the call later. And it is that midnight call that every parent is terrified of. It started a 24 hour day that I only remember pieces and parts of.

Michael Liben: 6:51

I'm trying to picture in my mind what it was like for him. I don't think he expected he would ever in his life find himself doing that, trying to pull someone out of car.

Roy Martin: 7:01

God and the universe are interesting. We had never met Lee prior to this. I don't know that Tawny was intentionally keeping him hidden from us. It just worked out. We didn't know all of her friends. We knew many of them. Later on, we got to know Lee so well that eventually he became an adopted son to us, not legally but might as well. His son now calls me papa, I'm his adopted grandfather. So again, God and the universe are interesting sometimes. Lee psychologically, I don't know how to say it, he was pretty devastated. This is somebody who had been a paramedic as a teenager, he volunteered with the local EMTs and such and actually went on calls. So this was somebody who was used to dealing with wrecks. But to have somebody that he'd really started to grow close to and be so powerless, there had to be some guilt here. Because he was able to dodge and he didn't think about it. Again, your body reacts and so when he slammed that wheel to the right... but he dealt with grief and self recrimination and just go down the list, for years. And there's a silver lining, if there can be silver linings, and there are, he eventually came to live with us. He was sort of in a tough spot in his life. But the reason he came to live with us, there'e this one time we were, this was probably a few weeks after the wreck, and he was having a particularly rough night, and we were out on the front driveway. And I asked him, you know, "Lee you're between residences, why don't you come sleep on our couch tonight?" And he was hesitant and I said,"Look Lee, the reality is right now you need us and we need you every bit as much.

Michael Liben: 8:43

Sure.

Roy Martin: 8:44

And I think that was part of his healing to know that he wasn't being blamed. And he was worthy of love. And he is.

Michael Liben: 8:55

As a sort of a link, a last link between you and Tawny.

Roy Martin: 8:59

Until you've mentioned that now I did not. Certainly he was able to tell us things about the last night of her life that we never would have known. It's an interesting question. It's one I need to ponder a bit, I had not thought

Michael Liben: 9:12

Let me give you a little detail. What I mean is of that. when you talk to him or when you see him you're in some way connecting with those last moments when she was fine.

Roy Martin: 9:21

Yes. That had not occurred to me before. Looking back on when I asked him if he'd be willing to move in with us. And he needed a place to stay and we had the room and it was nice to have that ability to talk to somebody that knew other aspects of our daughter. It was a blessing that I hadn't really thought about it 'til you just now mentioned Eventually, years later when we could talk about stuff and actually laugh that was a turning point. When you get to that point where you can remember stuff and start laughing about it. That's key. And Lee has been instrumental to that. Remembering things we didn't know and being able to just be happy

Anna Jaworski: 10:00

You are listening to "Bereaved But Still Me". If you have a question or comment that you would like addressed on our program, please send an email to Michael Liben at michael@bereavedbutstillme.com. That's michael@bereavedbutstillme.com. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. The opinions expressed in the podcast are not those of Hearts Unite the Globe, but of the hosts and guests and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to congenital heart disease or bereavement.

Michael Liben: 10:39

Obviously, this event changed your life, what did you do to find a way through this? And is there a way to actually get through this or just just go on forever, but in a better way?

Roy Martin: 10:49

Yes to all of the above. I think we all reached out for ways to deal with this. So we were really concerned about Tawny's younger brother, Noah, he was eight years old at the time that she was killed. So there were things we did in a decided fashion, try getting him counseling, etc. But then there were other things we just sort of muddled through. And it seems to me that so many of the biggest things in life are not due to decisions that we consciously made but it's just how we responded in the moment. And I think so much of our healing probably had to do with that - things that just sort of fell into place over time. But I don't know that either of us consciously gave ourselves the time to deal with it. We had family that was grieving our daughter, and my wife and I are very much the people who take charge and manage things, both of us do. And so it was our job to set the ship right both for us, for Noah, for our families, for the community, I went into Tawny's funeral and spoke from the pulpit to her classmates, many of her graduating class was at her funeral. And I remember needing to get up and talk to them, to help them through it. And I'm not trying to make myself out to be a martyr, I think it would have helped me had I given myself the chance to grieve and to heal. But sometimes you don't have that option. And I think the best thing I could have done, and this has only occurred to me recently, as we get older, sometimes we have problems sleeping the night through. And when I wake up at two in the morning, almost every morning, the part of your brain that is the true processor is basically asleep. It doesn't wake up, you don't know this, but the prefrontal cortex just is not active you're all reaction at midnight and two in the morning. And those dark thoughts, and it doesn't, I'm not talking, you know, gruesome thoughts, but those dark thoughts start to seep in, you know, you're not worthy, you're not going to finish this, you never finish your project, all that stuff seeps in. And it's only been recently that I've learned to sit with that and this is going to sound weird and I'm going to come back to grief in a minute - to sit with that and just let those thoughts go, because I can't stop them. You know, that's that survival mode in the back of your brain that that kept our caveman ancestors alive. Okay. So I can't stop those thoughts. But there was a part of my brain that just recently has learned to say, just listen, let it go. Because tomorrow, you're gonna see this differently. And consistently, I've felt that to be true. And so I just trust that in the darkest night of the soul, if you can trust yourself to just listen, just sit with it. Don't try to fix it. Just sit with it, and promise yourself that there'll be a better day. There almost alaways is.

Michael Liben: 14:00

That's very true. I think all of us who've lost children have these moments. I don't know if it's guilt. But all these "what if?" moments,"what if I had turned left instead of turning right?" "What if I had gone upstairs instead of downstairs?" There's all kinds of things. But life is choices. Life is things happening one after another in a chain reaction. And you can't go back and look at that and say I could have controlled it differently. Because you couldn't. You didn't. And there's nothing you can do about it now anyway. So there's a lot of that. I think a lot of that beating oneself. I don't know if it's guilt or trying to be guilty, maybe. saying I wish I could have an answer as to how this happened. And that turns to guilt and it's sometimes very, very bad, very dangerous.

Roy Martin: 14:46

And I think Lee dealt with that guilt, survivor's guilt. For me, it was more a regret so deep, and I've years later now, years later, I am just now able to have those memories of Tawny and such, where not only can I laugh, but truly, I don't become sorrowful. And that's a recent occurrence. I wish I could have gone back to when this first happened. Not only told myself, "Look in the darkness of the night, there will be another day, I promise you, it's going to be better". I wish I could have also told myself, "I promise you, there will come a day when you think about Tawny and you don't morph into grief". And I'm just now reaching that point. And part of that is I sort of communed with Tawny in my brain anyway. And the one thing she told me was,"Dad, stop it. I don't want you to be sad when you think about me, and I know you laugh, and you joke, but you turn sad, you've got to find your way through the sadness". And it was like, hearing that from her voice. Even though this was me, gave myself permission. It's almost like you feel this is your child, and you have to grieve, and you don't, subconsciously give yourself permission, even if you intellectually think you did. And I had to go there and be with Tawny and have her tell me,"Dad, I don't want you to be sad. So if you can't do it for you, do it for me, be happy, let the sadness go". This is years later. Now, this is just within the last six months or so.

Michael Liben: 16:29

I think it kind of cuts both ways. I reached a point fairly early, where the memories made me happy to think of her and all the things that my daughter did and the craziness and silliness of living with autism. And I think early on, we got to that point, but then it goes back sometimes, where even now it's almost 11 years later and I I'll still cry for an instant, I'll be very sad for an instant. But I have developed some kind of internal mechanism to allow that to happen, but not too much. So it ebbs and flows. Most of the time thinking of her makes me happy, because we had great times. And I love that and I love her. And it's just nice. And other times even now, you can still get sad, but I think that's okay. You've never really reached an end point into this, you just reach a point where you can get along with it, and usually do pretty well. Other factors may affect your getting upset or not upset. But basically, you reach this point where you can do well, it's hard to believe it at the beginning, you don't think it's going to happen.

Roy Martin: 17:34

On that note, throughout life, I've heard certain sayings and some of them resonate. And you don't know why until years later, one that I heard when I was younger, twenty something, you can never cross the same river twice. You're not the same, and neither is the river. And it's that idea that it's a journey, you think you've got it conquered. And you eventually have to get back to that point where you realize it is not a destination. It's a Northstar, you're traveling in that direction. But you're never going to get there. And so it's that ebb and flow you spoke about. You, you think you've got it conquered and well, no, because the river is going to change on you. That's another one of those life lessons that had I've been able to to truly internalize years ago, some of this might have been easier, maybe

Michael Liben: 18:18

I will use a different analogy. You're going to face these challenges, time and time again. And the river isn't exactly the same river and you're not exactly the same person, but you are who you were. And the river is still a river, what you've developed, there is a playbook. So you know when it goes like this when the tide is high, I got to do this when the tide is low, I got to do that. So you figure out a way to get through all of these issues as they come back because you've seen them before.

Roy Martin: 18:42

I used to call that"the minefield" right after Tawny died, I learned there are certain landmines out there. And as I got - don't go there, at least not in this crowd because you're going to start crying so you can go there when you're alone. That's okay. And it's that same idea, you learn lessons and the only way to learn them is to hit that landmine have it blow up on you. Not, I'm sorry, that's a bad graphic but and to experience it. And then if you have the wherewithal to say this is not good and sit with that for a little bit. And then you'll know later and give yourself credit for learning that lesson and know when to avoid that situation and when it's okay to experience it.

HUG Info: 19:27

If you've enjoyed listening to this program, please visit our website heartsunitetheglobe.org and make a contribution. This program is a presentation of Hearts Unite the Globe and is part of the HUG Podcast Network. Hearts Unite the Globe is a nonprofit organization devoted to providing resources to the congenital heart defect community to educate, empower, and enrich the lives of our community members. If you would like access to free resources pertaining to the CHD community, please visit our website at congenitalheartdefects.com. For information about CHD, hospitals that treat CHD survivors, summer camps for CHD families, and much, much more.

Michael Liben: 20:04

Roy, can you talk to me about your experience with dealing with grief because you've experienced more than just losing your daughter. So talk to us about some of the other losses you experienced.

Roy Martin: 20:15

After Tawny passed on, we basically lost my wife's father, Noan's grandpa, lost my wife's mother, lost his grandma, then lost my mother. And then just recently with weeks ago, lost my father. So Tawny was the first of five. And the interesting thing is, each time it was different, I don't want to lean too heavily on the metaphor that you're different nd the river is different. But truly, it was different with Tawny's grief, I think Lynn and I took too much on ourselves, and we did not offer ourselves the ability to heal the way we should have. And with the next passing one of the grandmothers, it was a little better, it's never easy, it never gets better. But by then I had started to learn some of the pain points. And honestly, God and the universe hit me with the worst thing anyone can experience to lose a parent, you subconsciously think about them. To lose a sibling, it's hard to lose a child. Wow, we started off probably with the most difficult experience any human is ever gonna feel.

Michael Liben: 21:34

That's true.

Roy Martin: 21:35

The process was different for each of us. Noah grieved differently than Lynn did, which is different than how I grieved and the timespan's different. The interesting thing is we each have different things that made it bearable. And when I say different things, what worked for me didn't work for Noah. So you know, we could go into an hour long segment just on what worked with you, I think the thing to understand is what I did not do, which I should have was given myself permission to take time, I went back to work a week later. And it wasn't because I'm a workaholic. Looking back, it's because I wanted to escape. I needed to escape all those feelings. And I know it now.

Michael Liben: 22:18

Roy, I'm gonna stop, but I just want to stop you for a second because that is totally fair. Some people want to escape that moment. And that may be the way to do it is to go back to it. There isn't a wrong way to do this. And I think we really need to make that clear. You may say now that it was wrong for you then and that's fine. But I wouldn't take it away from somebody who goes back to work right away. I wouldn't do it. You wouldn't do it again, I think. But for some people that's what works.

Roy Martin: 22:49

I think you're right, Michael, it was the novocaine it was the anesthetic that helped me get through the difficult time, the thing where I think I made the mistake was not doing part two, which is okay, we've deadened the pain long enough but now you have these recovery things, Roy, you need to go through. And it's that part that I just tried to escape it. I tried to escape back into work, and it was a coping mechanism. But it was a crutch that I I just never went on to step two, it took me years to go on to step two.

Michael Liben: 23:25

Again, that's fair, that happens to people.

Roy Martin: 23:27

I'm not beating myself up. I'm sure - happen. Yeah...

Michael Liben: 23:33

But I just want to be very clear to people, because people listen to this program, in part, to hear how other people have gone through it. And in some sense, they may compare and contrast or they might be learning a lesson for now, for the future. It's important when we get to this point in the conversation, there is no wrong way to do it. And there isn't a right way to do it. There's a way that's right for you, if you're lucky enough to find it. Or if somebody can help you get there. That's great. But most people I think, go through this on their own, which is unfortunate. And a lot has been said on this program about society in the west and in America in particular, where we don't always have an organized system. Now, that's not true for everybody. We're not going to go there today. But a lot of times people need an organized system to help them. So when you're going through it on your own, which most people seem to do, there's no wrong way and there isn't a right way. There's many right ways to find it's good for you. And I think it's important to we tell people that

Roy Martin: 24:33

I would suggest what is right for you is right for you. Hopefully, as quickly as you can you realize what is not no longer serving you and where you need to either ask for help or or acknowledge that you're not where you need to be. And and key to this is that idea that I had mentioned earlier that there's going to be a better time. Sometimes you have to work to get to that point. And I, a, I just didn't think there would be a better time. And so I never opened myself up to feeling better. And, if so, if there was somebody listening and say, "Well, I did go to back to work, I did this", absolutely, you've got to do what you've got to do, but have an aspiration, of being happy, have an aspiration, of being healthy, both for yourself, and just as importantly for your family, for that eight year old, who's now an 18 year old and still dealing with it, have that aspiration, have that goal, and that's what I didn't have, I was too willing to be the martyr of the child who died. And that was my lot in the universe. And that's not what Tawny wanted for me. And it took that, for me to sort of break away from that, that thought that it's never gonna get better.

Michael Liben: 26:06

Do you think that also may be delayed? Your getting there? Because you just didn't see it coming?

Roy Martin: 26:13

I need to think about that. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

Michael Liben: 26:15

Well, I'll ask it differently. Had you aspired earlier to reach a point where it would be all right with you, do you think you'd have gotten there faster?

Roy Martin: 26:24

Yes, I think if I had heard the message in the way I finally visualized it for myself. Stop. Put yourself in the image of your child here, your wife, your parent. Would they want you to be this way the rest of your life? The minute you put it in that perspective, if it was you, Roy, and, and you passed away, what about Noah, would you want him to be sad forever? Well, no, of course not.

Michael Liben: 26:59

There it is.

Roy Martin: 27:00

Okay then. Okay, then give yourself permission, because that's not what you would not for them. That's not what your daughter wants for you. The minute I gave myself that permission from Tawny, and maybe that was the key, I had to hear it from Tawny, even if it was in my own head, that "Daddy, stop being so sad about me". That's all it took, a door opened. And it took me a while to make that journey across the threshold. But that's what I took. So I would, I would suggest to any, any person who is grieving, put yourselves in the shoes of the other person. And, you know, would they want you to feel this way forever? Yes, it's supposed to hurt when somebody you love dies, but forever? And they probably would give you permission to be happy again. And you need to honor their wish.

Michael Liben: 27:58

Roy Martin, thank you so much for joining us on"Bereaved But Still Me". You are an inspiration to anybody who has been through this. And we all know somebody or ourselves have been, where you are and where you've been. So thank you for sharing that with us. Thank you so much.

Roy Martin: 28:14

Thank you, Michael. And thank you to everyone out there that supports the show and supports everyone else in grief. Thank you.

Michael Liben: 28:22

And that concludes this episode of"Bereaved But Still Me". I want to thank Roy for sharing his experience and his wisdom with us. Please join us again at the beginning of the month for a new episode and I'll be with you soon. But until then please remember, moving forward is not moving away.

Anna Jaworski: 28:36

Thank you for joining us. We help you have felt supported in your grief journey. "Bereaved But Still Me" is a monthly podcast, and a new episode is released on the first Thursday of each month. You can hear our podcast anywhere you normally listen to podcasts at any time. Join us again next month for a brand new episode of"Bereaved But Still Me".