Thinking about Complicated Grief with Author and Podcaster Theo Boyd

Have you ever found yourself immersed in the endless waves of grief, struggling to find a lifeline? You're not alone. Our guest for this episode, Theo Boyd, a resilient writer, a former teacher, and a survivor of unthinkable loss, is here to share her incredible journey from heartache to healing. Theo takes us through her harrowing experiences, from the sudden death of her mother in a farm accident, the loss of her counselor, to the dissolution of her marriage. Amidst her personal turmoil, discover how Theo channeled her pain into writing, culminating in her cathartic memoir, "My Grief is Not Like Yours".

Theo provides a raw and revealing discussion about Prolonged Grief Disorder (PGD), previously known as complicated grief. She emphasizes the importance of seeking professional assistance in such circumstances and shares her personal encounters of frustration when people failed to acknowledge her parents' death. Despite the anguish, Theo found solace in unexpected places, notably the wisdom imparted by her students. She introduces us to a unique therapeutic exercise, "100 Things", which was instrumental in her journey of remembrance and healing. 

In the final chapter of our conversation, Theo shares how her memoir became a memorial to her parents, a tangible testament to their lives and her love for them. She recounts engaging experiences from book signings and events, and how these interactions provided further support in her healing journey. But her mission extends beyond her personal journey. Theo is now committed to using her experiences and her writing to help others navigate their own grief. Join us for this heartfelt episode and draw from Theo's experiences, strength, and wisdom, as we explore the resilience of the human spirit in the face of loss.

To connect with Theo: Boyd, visit her website:

https://thinktheo.com/

Transcript

Theo Boyd: 0:00

But all of a sudden you are writing a book because you're writing things that you remember about that person that you've lost.

Michael Liben: 0:13

What happens when we lose both of our parents in an unexpected set of circumstances, when suffering from one loss after another, how can that affect your marriage? What is complicated grief and how can a person survive that? Welcome to "Bereaved But Still Me". Our purpose is to empower members of our community. I am Michael Liben and the father of three children - Idan, Sapir, and Liel. Liel, my youngest daughter, was born with a heart defect and later she developed autism and epilepsy. Losing her at 15 is what has brought me here to be the host of this program. Our guest today is Theo Boyd. Theo Boyd is a writer, a former teacher, and was born and raised on a farm in a small town of Whitney, Texas. Her name is actually Thelizabeth Boyd, a combination of her grandmothers' names; Thelma, and Elizabeth. She became Theo in middle school thanks to her friends. Theo grew up writing poems with her father, she finished college later in life and became a high school English teacher and creative writing teacher. She contributed to several local newspapers and now she's a published author with her memoir, "My Grief is Not Like Yours". Theo suffered a sudden traumatic loss in 2019, which set the scene for her debut memoir. In addition to being an author, Theo started a podcast called Think Theo, and her podcast discusses complicated grief, and the many layers of loss. Today's program is thinking about complicated grief with author. podcaster Theo Boyd. Theo, thank you so much for joining us on "Bereaved But Still Me".

Theo Boyd: 1:37

Thank you so much for having me on.

Michael Liben: 1:40

Let's start by talking about some of the losses you suffered in your life. We learned in the opening, that there was an event in 2019 that that catapulted you into the world of memoir writing. Tell us more about that.

Theo Boyd: 1:50

Just four years ago, July the 29th 2019, I got a phone call that there had been an accident on the family farm and come to find out my father had accidentally run over my mother with one of the farm tractors. And it, it completely turned my life upside down from that, you know, you you hear that all the time, when you get"the call", nobody wants to get"the call". Well, they didn't really tell me anything on that call. I had to get to the farm, you know, before they would tell me what happened. And the whole drive to the farm, I thought it was something with my dad, because his health had actually been declining. And my mom was in perfect health, she could have run a marathon on the day that she passed. But my parents were doing what they'd been doing for 50 years on the farm with one of the tractors, and it just slipped out of neutral. And it was just a freak accident. So I took family leave from the high school where I was teaching, because school was about to start. This was the end of July, and I knew school is going to start in a couple of weeks. So I got family leave and I stayed with my dad, and had to make sure that he was okay. Took him to counseling with me, lived with him for two months. And in the meantime, I was journaling. I was journaling every chance that I could get. And I hadn't really been a journaler. Is that a word journaler? No, it is now. So I haven't really been. I hadn't been a journaler. But I was writing like crazy and I don't really know, now I know that that was my healing trying to get out. I couldn't really grieve or talk about certain things with my dad, because I didn't want him to hurt any more than he already was. And so I started writing. And as I was writing, I had a dear friend of mine that came to check on me and I said, "Well, I've been writing" and she was reading a few things that I'd written. And she just looked at me with tears in her eyes and says, "You need to write a book". And it dawned on me the way that I was feeling which was unheard and lost and alone. There's got to be a million other people out there feeling the same way that I'm feeling. And I was trying to get my hands on a book that hit me as hard as I had just been hit and I couldn't find it. And there are a lot of great grief resources out there, but not as many for traumatic loss, because I would get a book from a friend and I would open it and I would just frantically flip the pages, looking for a page that somehow could even touch the depth of the pain that I had. And I couldn't find it. So I said well, I'm just gonna write it.

Michael Liben: 4:35

Losing a parent can be very, very traumatic, especially in an accident like that and totally unexpected and you didn't see it coming. But it did get worse for you. Tell us a little bit how your grief affected your marriage.

Theo Boyd: 4:48

Yes, you know, I heard this saying the other day,"Apparently rock bottom has a basement". And it does. I, a few months after my mom's death, and just trying to, you know, navigate this new life and helping my dad, actually, my counselor passed away suddenly. And that was just such a shock. And another sad thing that I'm gonna have to relay to my dad, and she was helping us so much. And he was loving talking on the phone with her and going to see her. And so there's another loss. And I grieved her so much, because she had not only been a counselor that I'd had through blended marriage and raising a teenage daughter, she had saved me from grief by giving my grief a name, which I'll talk about in a minute. But after that, then I found out that my husband's been having an affair. And so you know, everything and your spouse is supposed to be that person that you can rely on no matter what; that unconditional support. And I was just dying from the inside out.

Michael Liben: 5:57

There are times when everything goes wrong all at the same time. And I don't know that can be I think, maybe very cleansing just to sort of clear everything. On the other hand, it's very, very difficult to dig out from that.

Theo Boyd: 6:09

You know, three years, and I lost everything that I once held dear. And I remember calling my best girlfriends that would come here and stay with me, I call them my fairy blonde mothers. And that's what I refer to them in the book because they magically appear any time that I needed them. And I just remember saying everything that I had three years ago is completely gone. My mom, my counselor, my husband, and my dad, everything that I had in my life that I thought I would always have that I want to say I took for granted, but I don't know that I really did. And I talked about this in the book. I remember years ago after church, my dad was a minister, my mom cooked these fabulous Sunday lunches. You know, we're here in North Central Texas so we Texans really love our food. But we were sitting there at the lunch and I remember looking at my daughter in the highchair, she's now 24. And I remember looking at my mom and my dad, and I remember with tears in my eyes, saying, "one day, we're not going to all be right here". And I really took hold of that moment. And I remember it so vividly. I remember the smells of the food. I remember the sounds of the forks on the plates. I remember my daughter cooing and making her noises in the highchair. And it breaks my heart because my mom looked over at me and she just said, "Well, that's just life, now eat your food". My mother was deaf. And she was profoundly deaf from the age of 18 months old. So everything in life to her was just another hurdle. Nothing stopped her. She was a phenomenal human being shortly after my counselor passed, and then my husband and we're going through the divorce. And well I say shortly, it was just a year or two. My dad got into a really good groove. He was doing really good. But COVID. COVID came along and that really affected my dad because he could no longer get out and have lunch with people. He could no longer interact with anyone. And my, my dad and I are extreme extroverts, we get our energy from other people. So it's very hard to put an extreme extrovert that has been through trauma into almost a solitary confinement. And that's what happened. And from that point on, even when we all got back to where we're going out, well, my dad's health started to fail him. He had white matter disease, which affects your mobility. And he started to be able to barely walk and he ended up just being almost to where he. without help, he couldn't even get out of bed. My sister and I went to see him the day before Father's Day, because on Father's Day, and my sister had plans with her husband's family and I had plans at my church. So it worked out better for everyone that we go see daddy on June the 21st of 2022. So this was just a year ago. So when I left that Saturday, I told daddy, "I'll be back in a couple of days. And do you want to go to church with me tomorrow?" And he just emphatically said, "No". And I said, "Okay, well, I'll see you Monday or Tuesday". So he did not expect me to be there on Father's Day. But sure enough, Sunday morning, Father's Day, I woke up and I just thought I'm gonna go surprise daddy with breakfast. He loved McDonald's breakfast. So I ran through McDonald's, went out there, I kept looking at my watch because I knew I had just enough time to get back home and get dressed to get to church, but I wanted to just have coffee with daddy on Father's Day. And I walk in and I find that my dad had taken his life that night before with a gun. And I just know, and I said this a few weeks ago on a show I said, "I'm so blessed that I am the one that first got to be with him. Because those are those precious moments before any medical personnel came, before any emergency workers, before the funeral home came, before any of my friends came, I got to be alone with my dad and I talk about that very detailed in my book. And I just know that my dad, he did commit suicide, but I like to say it as "Sue aside" because my mom's name was Sue.

Disclaimer: 10:33

You're listening to"Bereaved But Still Me". If you have a question or comment that you would like addressed on our program, please send an email to Michael Liben at michael@bereavedbutstillme.com. That's michael@bereavedbutstillme.com. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. The opinions expressed in the podcast are not those of Hearts Unite the Globe, but of the hosts and guests and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to congenital heart disease or bereavement.

Michael Liben: 11:12

Theo, we learned earlier that you finished college later in life. But you look really young. I'm sorry that our listeners can't see this, but it's absolutely true.

Theo Boyd: 11:20

Thank you!

Michael Liben: 11:20

You're welcome. Can you tell us what you meant by that? And what did you study in college?

Theo Boyd: 11:27

I graduated high school, I started working as a receptionist, actually for a mortgage company and just kind of worked my way up. And I ended up being a mortgage loan officer for about 18 years. And and then the market crashed. We all remember that don't we? 2007, 2008. And, oh, yes. And I decided, You know what, I'm gonna go back to school. And I didn't even have an associate's degree. I just had a couple of classes from our little Hill Junior College in Hillsboro, Texas that's not far outside of Whitney that I'd done right after high school here. And I went back to school and got my degree to be a teacher. And like I told y'all earlier, I taught kindergarten for one day, I don't know if I got fired or promoted. But I ended up getting to teach my perfect sized shoe is what I like to call it, it was 10th grade. And I taught 10th Grade English and creative writing. And I cannot tell you how blessed I was. But not only the teacher friends that I made, that were there for me during my time of grief, and that are still friends of mine, but the students, The students and their pearls of wisdom at age 16 that I would hear during all my trials.

Michael Liben: 12:42

Even though you're not a counselor, you clearly are using your gifts and talents as a writer to help others process your grief. Tell us what you learned about complicated grief and traumatic loss.

Theo Boyd: 12:53

That's very important. I'm glad that you brought that up, Michael, because I want everyone to know, I'm not a counselor, I'm not a therapist. I'm not a psychologist, I'm not a psychiatrist. I was a high school teacher. And I have been baptized by fire, so to speak on the subject of grief and complicated grief, which now is known as prolonged grief disorder or PGD. And I didn't know I had this, I just thought this is probably what everybody does when they're grieving. And nobody told me it's almost like childbirth. Nobody told you how bad it was gonna be. And then all of a sudden, you're in it and you're like, "Why didn't anybody tell me?"

Michael Liben: 13:27

Because if you knew you wouldn't do it.

Theo Boyd: 13:29

Exactly! Exactly. I was almost angry all my girlfriends that had already had a baby, because they didn't tell me. So I felt like I was repeating that with grief. I was like, "Well, why didn't anybody tell me it was gonna be like this, I could have planned I could have packed a bag", you know, whatever. And I went to my counselor, Gail and I talk about this in the book at length and it was a couple of visits before I took my dad with me because I needed foundation in grief. And I was sitting there and she said, "Well, you are in complicated grief or complex grief". And I was like, "What? It has a name?" And all of a sudden, I had a name for what was wrong with me and I wasn't losing my mind. And I was able to google it, and I was able to read about it later do a podcast about it and now I've written a book about it. So let me explain the difference in grief and complicated grief. About 80 to 90, I would say, percent of the population is going to grieve, whether that be a person in their family, a friend, a pet, a divorce, a marriage, but only about seven to 9% of that 80% is going to experience complicated grief or prolonged grief disorder. And what I say in the book, and this really helps people understand the difference- regular grief, you take off work, you go to the funeral, you go back to work, you may even stop at a Mexican food restaurant and get a margarita. But the complicated grief person can barely get through the funeral. The thought of even going to work appalls them. They don't even remember where they work, like their life completely shuts down. They can't get past the memory of the one that they've lost. They get angry at people when they do not hear their loved one being spoken about, which was me, I was in that category, I was angry when people would eat because I lost 23 pounds in a month. I was angry at people that would not acknowledge her when I would talk with her. But now I realized they were just afraid to say anything because they knew how sensitive I was about it. But I think the most important thing that we need to do for those people that are suffering in complicated grief or PGD, is make sure they are talking to someone that is trained in that exact type of grief. That is crucial, it is critical, and it is life changing.

Michael Liben: 15:56

Thank you for saying that it is so important. Because, you know, there's more people with complicated grief than you might realize. And there's a tendency to say "get over it". You know, "Why are you still there? We have work to do". People need help, and it's okay to ask for help. And the first part is recognizing that you need help. And I really appreciate that you've done that, that you're talking about this now. I'm sorry to cut you off. I just think it's such an important thing that you're doing. People really need to know that it's a real thing, and that everybody grieves differently.

Theo Boyd: 16:25

Yes, everybody was well intentioned, wonderful people genuinely trying to help me. But when they would use a comparison, like, "Well, when I lost my mom, it took me..." you know, or, "When I lost my dad.." and so with my mom, because that was four years ago, and that's when I really started the book, the title of this book has never left me it has never changed. It has never been up for debate, the title of this book, they are the six words that would never leave my mind. Because if someone would be talking to me, all that would be ringing in my ears and in my head was, "my grief is not like yours, my grief is not like yours". And I thought if I'm feeling this way, unheard, which is the feeling, you're feeling unheard, you're feeling oppressed. If I'm feeling this way, there's got to be a million other people out there feeling that way. So I've titled my book that way so that when people get the book, they're not just reading about my grief, it's not about me, they are actually going to be able to own that title for themselves. And with the think points that we've put at the end of every chapter, they're little questions where you can write your own answer, like in the chapter, talked about a certain subject, then at the end of that chapter, we ask questions back to the reader, so that they can have ownership in it, and it becomes their book, it is their grief.

Michael Liben: 17:49

I love that you have those points there that questions and answers because someone who's reading it, it's actually having a conversation with you. And you're someone who's been there now, not in the sense that when my daddy died, we did this, that that would be that, that'd be terrible. But what you're saying is talk to me, I'm listening to you, here's my story, I want to hear yours. And that's such a great way to have a conversation, and to let people open up and to discuss and explore their own grief. It's just, it's, I'm surprised that you're not a therapist, I just think it's great that you've done that. And I think it's a wonderful thing and it really helps people get into it and understand themselves better. Now, we know that you wrote your book as a means for healing for yourself. But, it also isn't just that; it's a means of letting other people participate in your healing And in, by so doing, open up their own healing. Tell us a little bit about how you got into podcasts. And all of that's kind of related, it's all a big conversation, I think.

Theo Boyd: 18:50

Yeah. And that's what you do, too, with your podcast, you you want people to tell their story. And it is so important. Because by belonging we can share, and by sharing we belong,

Michael Liben: 19:01

Oh! We can steal that. Just take note, we're stealing that!

Theo Boyd: 19:06

You can, you can use that. "By belonging, we can share, and by sharing we belong". I'm so thankful now when I go to a book event, and somebody comes up to the table and usually with tears in their eyes. And they're just like,"Thank you for writing down what I was feeling so that I could give this to my family and say,"Here, this is it, this is how I feel" because they don't have the ability to write it down or to speak it. And I feel like I've been given that gift. And how terrible would that have been? If I would have just shut that down and said, "No, I can't, I can't speak about this. I can't write about this". I see how many people now are benefiting from my healing. I was healing. I didn't even think about anybody else. It was healing me to write the book. And I thought, well, if people want to read it, they can but honestly I was like, I don't even care, I'm writing it for me. And now to know that it's actually helping other people is just - it's that "aha" moment that teachers talk about. The teachers talk about the "aha" moment when you see in your your students eyes that they finally grasp the concept...

Michael Liben: 20:12

Nothing like it.

Theo Boyd: 20:13

Nothing like that in the world, and I miss that. But you know what, Michael? I'm getting those aha moments now, with my book. I may not be teaching high school English anymore with 150 students, but now I'm out and I'm talking to 1000s.

HUG Info: 20:27

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Michael Liben: 21:08

Theo, so we've been talking about your book and I think it's a tremendous way of getting your thoughts out there and getting people to, to share with you in some manner or other, their own thoughts in their own grief. I'd like to say that one of the mottos of this program is "Grief shared is grief lightened" and I think that's exactly what's going on with your book. And I think it's tremendous. So where can we get your book?

Theo Boyd: 21:38

Well, it's anywhere that books are sold; Amazon, Simon and Schuster, Barnes and Noble, you should be able to find it anywhere. You can go to my website, which is thinktheo.com, and you can purchase it on there or you can be guided where to find it. And also I did record it on Audible.

Michael Liben: 21:56

It's Theo's voice on the book. And it's...

Theo Boyd: 21:59

My old Texas twang.

Michael Liben: 22:02

I love it. It's very soothing. What have you got coming up; special events where people can meet you directly,

Theo Boyd: 22:07

You can keep up with my events by going to thinktheo.com to look at the event list.

Michael Liben: 22:13

Besides signing books, obviously, do you take some time? Do people come to you with their personal stories? I imagine it's just not an average book signing for some reason.

Theo Boyd: 22:21

You're right. I'm glad you said that. Because it is very unique. It's like a hybrid book signing, because we have to do like a little bit of a model of a counseling session where we both go over and cry and hug each other. And then I come back to the table and sign books. We have met so many wonderful people. And we've met stories. I've met stories, and I've met people that are so happy to have met my mom and dad. And in the end, that's what it's all about. I wanted people to know about these extraordinary two people that were my parents - how wonderful they were and how much they did for other people, and how now because of how giving they were, their lives gone in extraordinary ways. Their ministry is continuing. And it's just so - I've got chills right now all over because I know that so many people are going to benefit from the story of Joe Bob and Sue.

Michael Liben: 23:12

I think is wonderful, because when you write a book, when you tell your story, what you're basically doing, and this is something that we've discussed a lot on this program is that you're fashioning memories, for people who didn't know your loved ones, you're putting them out there. And you're putting them in a way that people want to meet them and enjoy meeting them and like their story. And as long as we're thinking about them, they're still alive, or at least in some sense, they're still with us. And we all try to do that. But I think writing a book is one of the ways to really ensure that their stories are out and known. And they're known and you're heard. And all of these things are important. And not every one of us, myself included, not every one of us has that gift for writing and telling stories. You tell stories beautifully. You just weave words together. And I can- you talked earlier about clinking dishes, I heard that. I could smell the food that you were talking about. I mean, it was just such a lovely way of telling stories. It's very enjoyable, I would heartily recommend this book to anyone who hasn't seen it yet. Please go and get it.

Theo Boyd: 24:13

And I was gonna say, you know, I realize that everybody out there can't write a book. You know, not everybody is a writer, you know, I was a creative writing teacher and I've been writing all my life and learned that from my dad who was a minister and wrote all his sermons. But what I put in the book was I did throw in a few of my mom's recipes. And I also threw in, I through in a 100 Things exercise for the reader. And I have gotten such great feedback on that from people, the book signings and the people I'm meeting on this journey, and they're like, "I used 100 Things to remember everything about my daughter who is still alive and I mailed it to her". So these, this 100 Things exercise, you can use it for somebody that's still alive, you can use it...One lady said that she did it for her all the 100 things that she didn't like about her ex husband and it really helped her. So you know, whatever, whatever you, whatever floats your boat, but you can use the 100 Things exercise, and all of a sudden, guess what you've written down, and it doesn't have to be 100, it can be 10. You can type it in your phone, it doesn't have to be fancy. But all of a sudden, you are writing a book, because you're writing things that you remember about that person that you've lost.

Michael Liben: 25:23

Go back a second, be very specific, because you went right into this. What is the 100? Things? How does it work? How can I do it?

Theo Boyd: 25:30

The 100 Things exercise stems from me sitting at the kitchen table after my mom died and feeling unheard. And I got out a pad of paper and I just numbered it one to 100. And I just started writing everything that I knew and remembered about my mom. My mom was beautiful, my mom loved my dad, mama loved cooking, mama loved baking. And it doesn't have to be 100 things, it can be just 10 things. And you don't have to write it on a piece of paper, you can type it in your computer or on your phone. And as we've been going out, I've just been meeting so many people that are doing the 100 things and they're modifying it to fit their loss or their life. So the 100 things exercise is just another part of the book where I want people to be able to explore and heal in their own grief.

Michael Liben: 26:22

Sometimes, you know, it might even make a nice gift right? Here's 50 things I love about you.

Theo Boyd: 26:26

Yes, turn it into Etsy and have somebody make it all pretty in a frame and you know, put it, slap a calligraphy font on it and put it in a frame.

Michael Liben: 26:36

Make it a meme, I hope you didn't take me wrong, I didn't mean to make light of that at all, I think it's such a wonderful thing.

Theo Boyd: 26:42

No, no! And one thing you're gonna find that you and I keep touching on, we love our comedic side. And there's a lot of funny things in this book, just at the point that you think you're gonna cry, you're gonna start laughing because my dad was a comedian. He always said,"I could be on stage". And then he'd pause and say, "There's one leaving in five minutes".

Michael Liben: 27:03

That's a Texas joke.

Theo Boyd: 27:04

It is! You know, daddy would - he had written entire comedy skits. And he wrote, he wrote one that I put a few things of that in the book, and he wrote about the house that was too small; the house that was too small, that you couldn't even eat a footlong hot dog. And the house that was too small that the mail had to be delivered vertically, not horizontally. Yeah, it's just my dad was so genuine and creative. And I just missed that humor from him. But I'm trying to keep it going.

Michael Liben: 27:34

Lastly, before we come to an end, let's talk about what you've learned over the years in living with so much loss and what advice you have for others who have complicated or prolonged grief disorder. And humor can certainly be a part of this answer because I think it's true.

Theo Boyd: 27:46

Number one is to please, please, I can't stress this enough, get to someone that is professionally trained in grief and complicated grief or PGD, prolonged grief disorder, counseling, talk to someone, you may think you're fine, you don't need to, well, that's fine. Just go one time. And you will just be amazed at how life changing it is. And the other thing I'm going to say is surround yourself with friends. If, you know, I'm a I'm a people person, I can you know, make a friend with a fence post. But most people you know, have a hard time especially in grief. It kind of even takes an extrovert and makes them an introvert. But try to surround yourself with people that care and people that are gonna be there for you no matter what. Gail, my counselor, once said, "Grief separates the adults from the children". And you, you will find out who those true friends are and let them hold you. They're there to hold you when you don't think you can stay up. And they're there to hold you when you're falling. Surround yourself with the friends in the love and get to that professional person that can help you.

Michael Liben: 28:55

Theo Boyd. The book is, "My Grief is Not Like Yours" available on Amazon and wherever you can buy a book. Thank you so much for joining us. It has been a delight and a privilege and a pleasure and I hope you come back soon.

Theo Boyd: 29:09

I hope so I just love y'all so much. Y'all are just a great a great team and I really appreciate you taking the time with me and with this message in my book.

Michael Liben: 29:19

Thank you so much. That concludes this episode of "Bereaved but Still Me". I want to thank Theo Boyd for sharing her book, her projects, her experience with us. Please join us at the beginning of the month for a brand new podcast. I'll be with you soon. But until then please remember moving forward is not moving away.

Disclaimer: 29:37

Thank you for joining us. We hope you have felt supported in your grief journey. "Bereaved But Still Me" is a monthly podcast and a new episode is released on the first Thursday of each month. You can hear our podcast anywhere you normally listen to podcasts at any time. Join us again next month for a brand new episode of"Bereaved But Still Me"